Thursday, July 14, 2011

Re-evaluating my life.

Since my last post, it has come to my attention that it has been 20 years since I graduated BHS.  With a pending reunion, I have been looking back at the choices I have made in the past 20 years.  In some ways I have made great strides like accepting myself.
All of my friends in high school may be shocked to know this, but I wasn't as I seemed in school.  I really was just a kid with low self esteem and poor body image who wanted to be like by everyone.  I was on the Pep Squad, Flagline, Newspaper Asst Ed, Yearbook Ed, Beta Club, Fellowship of Christian Students, Science Club, Literary Rally team, Baseball statistician, Science Club, and an Honor Student.  I'm sure there are other titles I held for those 4 years, but they slip my mind at present.  Looking back I probably did all of those things either for acceptance, attention, or just to give me something else to think about besides the aforementioned self esteem.  I would find myself very lonely and sad when I wasn't busy.

After high school, I went to college at NLU-2hrs away from home.  I think I was trying to run away from myself, but in the end I dropped out and came home.  I told myself I wasn't even competent enough to pass Aerobics class.  I self-sabotaged my college career for some unknown reason.  Since then, I have often chosen self sabotage. . .

God has greatly blessed me in spite of myself.  Because I dropped out of college, I met a great guy I would end up marrying 2 years later.  Even though he is not my childhood image of Prince Charming (he's not very affectionate, passionate, or social), he is a very hard working man who loves me no matter what.  I know this not because he tells me, but because he SHOWS me.  He shows me by working hard every day even when he is hurting or sick so I can be a stay at home mom to our son.  He shows me by providing me everything I want that he can realistically afford. And he shows me by not listening to me when I try to sabotage us with my crazy rants.  I love that man.

God has also given me a son who is all I have ever wanted-even if he does act like me.  He kisses me good morning everyday. He hugs me every chance he gets. And he cuddles with me every night.  I love that boy.

I did have success in my college career later in life, I went back and graduated with a degree I really didn't want, but said to myself if my sister can do it, so can I.  Not fulfilling my own goals, but someone else's.
So with all of these blessings and all of this love, why do I continue to come up short?  I don't have the answer to that, but I do know that I am now on a journey to find the answer--even if it takes me another 20 years.  I'm not even really sure who I am anymore, or that I ever knew who I was.

I am making a commitment to myself to be the person God created me to be.  A concept I learned a couple of months ago when I help lead a OneWay Ministries children's camp.  It may take a while to reevaluate myself.  I will keep the blog updated, but it will be limited.  At one point, the computer was becoming the place I would spend most of my days, but I can't do that if I want to change me.